How Your Thoughts Affect Your Words

Recently I experienced my feelings getting hurt by a loved one. It's amazing how much my mind wanted to keep re-experiencing the conversation-- turning it over and over again. It's as if there were a part of me that enjoyed inflicting emotional pain on myself. In doing my best to be impeccable with my word and not gossiping, I need to remember this is all a mental game. We speak what we think. If there is poison in our thoughts, there is poison in our words. There's a reason for the saying "get your mind off of it". When I get my mind off the negative, I can go on and live and be happy.

I dealt with my situation by speaking my truth and now as I write this I am letting it go. Why would I choose to focus on the one negative conversation that I had with this person when so many, if not all, of my other interactions have been purely positive and wonderful? By retelling the story and staying on the negative, I reinforce bad feelings for the relationship and that just makes me feel bad. I think there is great wisdom in cutting people some slack, not blowing things up too much by talking about it and getting on to more fruitful mental ground.

Peace everyone.

What the Real Housewives Have Taught Me About Gossiping

Last weekend I got sucked into an episode of the Real Housewives of New York. In a nutshell it's a show that highlights the gossiping and tantrum-throwing behavior of female homo sapiens. It's so very ridiculous. So much so that I could not turn it off. As I continue on my journey to stop gossiping and be impeccable with my word, I had to explore the question, why am I attracted to seeing women at their worst? Here is what I came up with:

First, I think watching the lengths people will go to for an elongated camera moment is fascinating and something I can relate to. I was a class clown at my high school and while some of that means I like to have fun, another part of it is that I needed to be the center of attention-- a lot. So I guess getting kicked out of class and showing up to dances in roller skates was a way to be funny but also a way to get attention. So I am intrigued in watching others who totally throw decorum out the window in an effort to draw attention to themselves. At the heart of it though is some sadness. Needing approval in the way of attention is a disease I have suffered from and still struggle with on occasion. Maybe watching these women is a way for me to see how I've grown over the years. I do relate to them and I guess in a way, feel sad for them (because I know that sadness)...

Second, I'm also interested in seeing women my own age and the paths they've chosen. What is it like to be a Manhattan socialite? Also, I love to see these 40-somethings struggling with the vanity issue, as I do. Beauty is fading for us all and I like to see how they are dealing with it (mostly with surgery). I think my shallowness loves the company of their shallowness.

Third, I think I am enjoying watching people engage in a behavior that I am trying to change in myself. On some level maybe it is cathartic to watch them gossip and speak their minds. Ultimately though, I think for me it has had the effect of reinforcing my goal to watch what comes out of my mouth. Maybe this goes with the vanity point above, but gossiping and continually playing from the "small self" is really unattractive. Having played in that sandbox for a long time, I know that it always leads to bad feelings about myself. So watching it on television is as powerful as it was to look at the lungs of a smoker in science class to keep me from smoking.

I'm reading "The Happiness Project" right now and she mentioned one of her commandments is to "act the way you want to feel". I just loved that. I hate the way I feel when I engage my lower self. I love the way I feel when I acknowledge that I want to go there, but I refrain. It really, for me, holds my self-esteem in place.

Old Friends and Habits

This past weekend I visited an old friend of mine from graduate school. She and I had a great time and clicked right back in as we always have. Part of that was getting caught up on everyone else's life. That's what she and I have always done. It's not viscious or mean, it's just what we do. No matter how I rationalize it though- it's still gossip.

Since I have been on this path, which is just over a month now, I am beginning to realize how my interactions with certain people can keep me stuck in old patterns. It takes great consciousness and present mind awareness to remember a different way of being with someone you've already established a routine with. Maybe that is why it is so difficult for some people to be around their family: we like to think we've evolved into a newer, better version of ourself, but the presence of those old relationships is like an undertow, sucking us back into our old irritating routines.

Progress on my path is slipping. I need to re-ignite my spirit and my passion for this. The blog helps and as you can see, I've been a little lax in that department. My life has gotten too caught up in work and doing. I need to get back to connecting to my spirit-- meditating daily and remembering the real me under all of the thoughts and opinions that are running my life. Maybe I need to start a support group...

Things I'm willing to try:
1) Putting together a support group.
2) Telling my friends about my experiment and the promise I made to myself and asking them to help me.

Husbands, Partying and Gossip

This weekend was challenging for a couple of reasons: first, my husband came home after two weeks of being on the road. You gotta understand—I have some pretty deeply imbedded communication patterns with him. I’m used to verbally indulging my bad mind whenever the mood strikes. But this weekend for most of our conversations- the sober ones at least- I was able to be pretty impeccable. Even when he asked me some provocative questions, I stayed true to my promise. I have to say, he was quite impressed and I did pass my first challenge!

Then came challenge number two: Partying.

They say alcohol is truth serum, so it’s to be expected that I would get a little looser with my tongue and return to my catty ways while under the influence. Over the course of the evening, a couple slip-ups occurred. Each time after it was already out, I threw both of my hands over my mouth and said, “Oh no, I wasn’t impeccable with my word!” Before I beat myself up too much, for every blunder there were at least a few times where I was able to stop myself. I realize that this challenge was a bit too advanced for me. I got a lot more work to do before walking into the drunken cobra’s den again.

Though I messed up a couple times, I think being able to reel myself in while sporting a decent buzz is a very good sign that this new way of thinking is starting to penetrate my subconscious. That’s where I want to take this thing- where it is so ingrained in my mind that it becomes my natural state of being.

My husband woke me up yesterday morning and said "Honey, I was being impeccable with my word in my dreams." I think he has me beat.

This is Hard-Sort Of

My first day being impeccable with my word:
I was excited and scared at the same time. I felt like I do when I am starting a new diet. I get so motivated about losing 10-pounds, but after four days, my stomach trumps my zeal. I don't want this to die a similar fate. I need this to stick.

So knowing this about myself and knowing what was in store for me for my day, I decided to get serious. I armed myself. I meditated first thing in the morning to quiet my mind. I wore turquoise (good for the throat chakra). I stuck a notebook in my purse so if I absolutely needed to vent, I could write it down. I hopped in my car and thought about my mouth-promise on the drive into work.

The result: I didn't gossip yesterday—and… it was really hard. There were so many opportunities to jump in with a sarcastic remark or an eye roll, but I didn't. When tempted, I did my best to quickly redirect my thoughts. I'm realizing that gossiping is not the source of the problem- it is the end result of a bigger problem: thinking negatively/critically about others. Seriously- this is HUGE. Railing on others is a thinking problem which leads to gossiping- a talking problem. Thinking precedes talking.

Was I totally impeccable with my word? Did I only use my word in the direction of truth and love? Well…I can't say that. I had a couple moments when I started heading down the wrong road, but I caught myself. For me this is great progress and a strong start. I’m really good at day one.

Let’s see how I do after a couple of glasses of wine this weekend.

Blog Cure?

It's an issue I have struggled with my whole life: my mouth. As early as the 6th grade the words "No Gossiping" were displayed in large black letters on the cork board on my bedroom wall.

Well, now I'm in my 40's and I am still dealing with this issue. I've read a lot on the topic (the Four Agreements, Buddhist literature on Right Speech) and tried all kinds of remedies (going on silent meditation retreats, meditating, practicing mindfulness, etc.) but I persist in spewing crap out of my mouth when I'm angry, irritated, or just plain bored.

I really do believe Don Miguel Luis, author of the Four Agreements, when he says that by being impeccable with our word- that is, using the word in the direction of truth and love- we can change our life. Could it be that this orangutan on my back could be the single reason I am not fully happy? I want to experiment with this, but I just find it so difficult. I'm an external processor and I'm Irish/Italian (and my Mercury is in Leo)-- so I feel it is a genetic impossibility for me to not run at the mouth when I feel offended. Still, I feel like if I could do this ONE thing-- it might make all the difference in my little world. I have felt this for years. I am tired of thinking about it, I want to do something about it. I want to use my words in the direction of truth and love.

I watched "Julie and Julia" a couple of nights ago and got inspired by the power of blogging. Could blogging about this help? Maybe it would hold me accountable. Though I am afraid of trying and failing AGAIN, I want nothing more.

I'm going to blog on this as often as I can in an effort to reach my goal of word impeccability! I'm going to share what I can about my life and the challenges with my mouth while also trying to protect those around me-- I can't be impeccable with my word AND tell the world my ugly stories--though my mouth would love that!

So why today? Because this morning I really lost it. I'm in a very challenging situation right now at work. I have felt betrayed and wronged-- a great reason to rip on others behind their back, right? So I sprayed word poison on two innocent co-workers and it left a sticky film on me and I'm sure on them. This situation at work challenges me to my core, but it is providing me with a great chance to practice letting go and refrain from verbally contaminating myself and others going forward. It really is the blessing calling me to change. (And all of it is a wonderful lesson in self-forgiveness and embracing my humanity).

Here goes World! My mouth-- an instrument of Truth and Love! Angels Come Hither!