Husbands, Partying and Gossip

This weekend was challenging for a couple of reasons: first, my husband came home after two weeks of being on the road. You gotta understand—I have some pretty deeply imbedded communication patterns with him. I’m used to verbally indulging my bad mind whenever the mood strikes. But this weekend for most of our conversations- the sober ones at least- I was able to be pretty impeccable. Even when he asked me some provocative questions, I stayed true to my promise. I have to say, he was quite impressed and I did pass my first challenge!

Then came challenge number two: Partying.

They say alcohol is truth serum, so it’s to be expected that I would get a little looser with my tongue and return to my catty ways while under the influence. Over the course of the evening, a couple slip-ups occurred. Each time after it was already out, I threw both of my hands over my mouth and said, “Oh no, I wasn’t impeccable with my word!” Before I beat myself up too much, for every blunder there were at least a few times where I was able to stop myself. I realize that this challenge was a bit too advanced for me. I got a lot more work to do before walking into the drunken cobra’s den again.

Though I messed up a couple times, I think being able to reel myself in while sporting a decent buzz is a very good sign that this new way of thinking is starting to penetrate my subconscious. That’s where I want to take this thing- where it is so ingrained in my mind that it becomes my natural state of being.

My husband woke me up yesterday morning and said "Honey, I was being impeccable with my word in my dreams." I think he has me beat.

This is Hard-Sort Of

My first day being impeccable with my word:
I was excited and scared at the same time. I felt like I do when I am starting a new diet. I get so motivated about losing 10-pounds, but after four days, my stomach trumps my zeal. I don't want this to die a similar fate. I need this to stick.

So knowing this about myself and knowing what was in store for me for my day, I decided to get serious. I armed myself. I meditated first thing in the morning to quiet my mind. I wore turquoise (good for the throat chakra). I stuck a notebook in my purse so if I absolutely needed to vent, I could write it down. I hopped in my car and thought about my mouth-promise on the drive into work.

The result: I didn't gossip yesterday—and… it was really hard. There were so many opportunities to jump in with a sarcastic remark or an eye roll, but I didn't. When tempted, I did my best to quickly redirect my thoughts. I'm realizing that gossiping is not the source of the problem- it is the end result of a bigger problem: thinking negatively/critically about others. Seriously- this is HUGE. Railing on others is a thinking problem which leads to gossiping- a talking problem. Thinking precedes talking.

Was I totally impeccable with my word? Did I only use my word in the direction of truth and love? Well…I can't say that. I had a couple moments when I started heading down the wrong road, but I caught myself. For me this is great progress and a strong start. I’m really good at day one.

Let’s see how I do after a couple of glasses of wine this weekend.

Blog Cure?

It's an issue I have struggled with my whole life: my mouth. As early as the 6th grade the words "No Gossiping" were displayed in large black letters on the cork board on my bedroom wall.

Well, now I'm in my 40's and I am still dealing with this issue. I've read a lot on the topic (the Four Agreements, Buddhist literature on Right Speech) and tried all kinds of remedies (going on silent meditation retreats, meditating, practicing mindfulness, etc.) but I persist in spewing crap out of my mouth when I'm angry, irritated, or just plain bored.

I really do believe Don Miguel Luis, author of the Four Agreements, when he says that by being impeccable with our word- that is, using the word in the direction of truth and love- we can change our life. Could it be that this orangutan on my back could be the single reason I am not fully happy? I want to experiment with this, but I just find it so difficult. I'm an external processor and I'm Irish/Italian (and my Mercury is in Leo)-- so I feel it is a genetic impossibility for me to not run at the mouth when I feel offended. Still, I feel like if I could do this ONE thing-- it might make all the difference in my little world. I have felt this for years. I am tired of thinking about it, I want to do something about it. I want to use my words in the direction of truth and love.

I watched "Julie and Julia" a couple of nights ago and got inspired by the power of blogging. Could blogging about this help? Maybe it would hold me accountable. Though I am afraid of trying and failing AGAIN, I want nothing more.

I'm going to blog on this as often as I can in an effort to reach my goal of word impeccability! I'm going to share what I can about my life and the challenges with my mouth while also trying to protect those around me-- I can't be impeccable with my word AND tell the world my ugly stories--though my mouth would love that!

So why today? Because this morning I really lost it. I'm in a very challenging situation right now at work. I have felt betrayed and wronged-- a great reason to rip on others behind their back, right? So I sprayed word poison on two innocent co-workers and it left a sticky film on me and I'm sure on them. This situation at work challenges me to my core, but it is providing me with a great chance to practice letting go and refrain from verbally contaminating myself and others going forward. It really is the blessing calling me to change. (And all of it is a wonderful lesson in self-forgiveness and embracing my humanity).

Here goes World! My mouth-- an instrument of Truth and Love! Angels Come Hither!