I distinctively remember a conversation with my dad when I was about nine. "People can change..." he said, "but most of them don't". I felt so deflated after hearing that. I didn't want to believe it, but after today, I do.
I was tested today...and I failed. I was approached by a fellow gossiper. I had been approached by this person once before-- early in my commitment-- and I stayed true. Today was a different tale. I felt like Eve in the Garden. A tempting topic was presented. I resisted. Then a delicious comment was dangled in front of me followed by a tasty piece of news. It was just too much for me to resist. I ate the apple.
Remember how great Day One was? Day One was impeccability. Only good words came out of my mouth. I was a Puritan on that day. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been cutting corners. "Negativity is okay, just as long as you don't gossip" I thought. "It's okay to gossip with your husband-- I mean if you can't talk to your husband..." These were my thoughts. I moved from being a Puritan to being a Devotee. I could live with being a Devotee. I considered it the middle way. It acknowledged my humanity and presented sort of a balance. Little did I know that making these little compromises was my version of a gateway drug. Today I crossed the line and imbibed in my drug of choice. Forget Devotee, I'm back to Heathen status.
I know, I shouldn't beat myself up over this and I really am not. I am just experiencing feelings of dissapointment and self-betrayal. Okay, so I guess I am beating myself up. But ultimately, I just really want to know, am I capable of change?
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I'd have to agree with your dad: People can change. However, it takes a lot more than a few weeks, and a lot more than making a commitment to something with your brain. What you are looking for is a fundamental change in both your conscious and unconscious, and that's quite a bit harder to accomplish. Keep working at it, though! Take each day as a new one, and start fresh. ;) --Nanna
ReplyDeleteOf course you're capable of change, Pammy! Of course it's difficult. Of course you will stumble. And of course you will keep trying. And of course I want to hear the juicy gossip! No. Wait...
ReplyDeletesooo interesting. Being someone who speaks before she thinks, I am constantly surprised by the effects of the random thoughts I have let out into the air. I'm way more careful about email than about what comes out of my mouth. And I love talking about people, and why they do what they do and what is going on. But how to do that in a way that is not hurtful is not clear. Being truthful can cause a lot of pain. Keeping my mouth shut is impossible. I wonder if there is a way to embrace trying to understand people and how they work without being hurtful? Or maybe I should just stop hanging out with girls... beth
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