How Your Thoughts Affect Your Words

Recently I experienced my feelings getting hurt by a loved one. It's amazing how much my mind wanted to keep re-experiencing the conversation-- turning it over and over again. It's as if there were a part of me that enjoyed inflicting emotional pain on myself. In doing my best to be impeccable with my word and not gossiping, I need to remember this is all a mental game. We speak what we think. If there is poison in our thoughts, there is poison in our words. There's a reason for the saying "get your mind off of it". When I get my mind off the negative, I can go on and live and be happy.

I dealt with my situation by speaking my truth and now as I write this I am letting it go. Why would I choose to focus on the one negative conversation that I had with this person when so many, if not all, of my other interactions have been purely positive and wonderful? By retelling the story and staying on the negative, I reinforce bad feelings for the relationship and that just makes me feel bad. I think there is great wisdom in cutting people some slack, not blowing things up too much by talking about it and getting on to more fruitful mental ground.

Peace everyone.

What the Real Housewives Have Taught Me About Gossiping

Last weekend I got sucked into an episode of the Real Housewives of New York. In a nutshell it's a show that highlights the gossiping and tantrum-throwing behavior of female homo sapiens. It's so very ridiculous. So much so that I could not turn it off. As I continue on my journey to stop gossiping and be impeccable with my word, I had to explore the question, why am I attracted to seeing women at their worst? Here is what I came up with:

First, I think watching the lengths people will go to for an elongated camera moment is fascinating and something I can relate to. I was a class clown at my high school and while some of that means I like to have fun, another part of it is that I needed to be the center of attention-- a lot. So I guess getting kicked out of class and showing up to dances in roller skates was a way to be funny but also a way to get attention. So I am intrigued in watching others who totally throw decorum out the window in an effort to draw attention to themselves. At the heart of it though is some sadness. Needing approval in the way of attention is a disease I have suffered from and still struggle with on occasion. Maybe watching these women is a way for me to see how I've grown over the years. I do relate to them and I guess in a way, feel sad for them (because I know that sadness)...

Second, I'm also interested in seeing women my own age and the paths they've chosen. What is it like to be a Manhattan socialite? Also, I love to see these 40-somethings struggling with the vanity issue, as I do. Beauty is fading for us all and I like to see how they are dealing with it (mostly with surgery). I think my shallowness loves the company of their shallowness.

Third, I think I am enjoying watching people engage in a behavior that I am trying to change in myself. On some level maybe it is cathartic to watch them gossip and speak their minds. Ultimately though, I think for me it has had the effect of reinforcing my goal to watch what comes out of my mouth. Maybe this goes with the vanity point above, but gossiping and continually playing from the "small self" is really unattractive. Having played in that sandbox for a long time, I know that it always leads to bad feelings about myself. So watching it on television is as powerful as it was to look at the lungs of a smoker in science class to keep me from smoking.

I'm reading "The Happiness Project" right now and she mentioned one of her commandments is to "act the way you want to feel". I just loved that. I hate the way I feel when I engage my lower self. I love the way I feel when I acknowledge that I want to go there, but I refrain. It really, for me, holds my self-esteem in place.

Old Friends and Habits

This past weekend I visited an old friend of mine from graduate school. She and I had a great time and clicked right back in as we always have. Part of that was getting caught up on everyone else's life. That's what she and I have always done. It's not viscious or mean, it's just what we do. No matter how I rationalize it though- it's still gossip.

Since I have been on this path, which is just over a month now, I am beginning to realize how my interactions with certain people can keep me stuck in old patterns. It takes great consciousness and present mind awareness to remember a different way of being with someone you've already established a routine with. Maybe that is why it is so difficult for some people to be around their family: we like to think we've evolved into a newer, better version of ourself, but the presence of those old relationships is like an undertow, sucking us back into our old irritating routines.

Progress on my path is slipping. I need to re-ignite my spirit and my passion for this. The blog helps and as you can see, I've been a little lax in that department. My life has gotten too caught up in work and doing. I need to get back to connecting to my spirit-- meditating daily and remembering the real me under all of the thoughts and opinions that are running my life. Maybe I need to start a support group...

Things I'm willing to try:
1) Putting together a support group.
2) Telling my friends about my experiment and the promise I made to myself and asking them to help me.

Word Slaying the Jerks

Here's the toughest one for me: dealing with jerks. Jerks warrant a good tongue lashing behind their backs, right? I mean, most jerks catch you by surprise in their jerkiness. You're not expecting a thing and then- WHAM-- out of the far left cubicle flies an insult. When this sort of thing has happened to me, I feel vulnerable and hurt. I feel wronged. So wronged, in fact, that I place myself in that special category of people called Victims.

Since I have been looking at what makes me speak unkindly about others I see that it is usually when I feel that I have been victimized by someone. When I go into victim mode I am wanting others to acknowledge that I've been screwed over, but more than that, I am really trying to get even. If I tell everyone what a jerk this guy is, then no one will like him and that will make it all better. In this way, I have used my word as a weapon and "stabbed him in the back".

By thinking of myself as a victim, I feel justified in bringing someone down and have magically transformed myself from victim to perpetrator. The truth is that when I use my word as a sword it puts me on the same level as the perpretrator. Think of all of the violence that has been inflicted on mankind (wars, murders) because someone thought they'd been wronged and were justified in righting it.

If I change my victim thoughts-- because changing my mouth is really about changing my mind-- by practicing the second and third agreements, I can change my behavior. The second agreement is to not make assumptions. Maybe that person who flung the insult really didn't mean it the way I interpreted it. If they did, the third agreement tells me not to take it personally. Lastly, it is also about standing up for myself in the moment. If I am courageous and speak my truth in the moment, I won't go away with my tail between my legs feeling wounded and bruised and seeking revenge.

The road to inner peace is to avoid the victim mode all together, including labeling people as jerks. Viktor Frankl didn't feel like a victim after all he endured in the concentration camps. What a great example of avoiding victim thinking and finding real peace.

Leopard Spots

I distinctively remember a conversation with my dad when I was about nine. "People can change..." he said, "but most of them don't". I felt so deflated after hearing that. I didn't want to believe it, but after today, I do.

I was tested today...and I failed. I was approached by a fellow gossiper. I had been approached by this person once before-- early in my commitment-- and I stayed true. Today was a different tale. I felt like Eve in the Garden. A tempting topic was presented. I resisted. Then a delicious comment was dangled in front of me followed by a tasty piece of news. It was just too much for me to resist. I ate the apple.

Remember how great Day One was? Day One was impeccability. Only good words came out of my mouth. I was a Puritan on that day. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been cutting corners. "Negativity is okay, just as long as you don't gossip" I thought. "It's okay to gossip with your husband-- I mean if you can't talk to your husband..." These were my thoughts. I moved from being a Puritan to being a Devotee. I could live with being a Devotee. I considered it the middle way. It acknowledged my humanity and presented sort of a balance. Little did I know that making these little compromises was my version of a gateway drug. Today I crossed the line and imbibed in my drug of choice. Forget Devotee, I'm back to Heathen status.

I know, I shouldn't beat myself up over this and I really am not. I am just experiencing feelings of dissapointment and self-betrayal. Okay, so I guess I am beating myself up. But ultimately, I just really want to know, am I capable of change?

Hot Topics and Hot Pockets

Hot Topics do to my mouth what Hot Pockets do to Jim Gaffigan's digestive tract. Hot Topics are topics that create such an emotional response for me that it is nearly impossible to not run at the mouth...in high volume. I'm trying to bring more consciousness as to what my Hot Topics are because if I know what they are then I can brace myself to be super present when they come up. Some Hot Topics for me: rude/mean people (that is, my interpretation of rude/mean people), politics, and recent emotional wounds.

As I try to understand my own Hot Topics, enjoy this video from Jim Gaffigan on Hot Pockets.

Jim Gaffigan - Beyond the Pale - Hot Pockets @ Yahoo! Video

Gossip Diet- Not Recommended for Weight Loss

I know I've beat the diet analogy to a bone, but this gossip fast is making me fat! I'm totally serious here-- I cannot stop eating chocolate. Could it be that my old ways of talking were actually somewhat medicinal and cathartic-- maybe even fun? Is letting go of expressing every little impulse driving me into a new addiction of sweet tasting endorphins? Or maybe this experience is making me feel like I have to stuff my words down- literally-with every carbohydrate in my cupboard.

When I started this whole thing a couple weeks ago, I envisioned my mouth as having a religious experience, almost like being born again. No longer would it be a cauldron of bad juju. Instead as I went through the day speaking only truth and love I would begin to transform, growing more and more beautiful with each passing sentence. As I cleansed my tongue of all this negativity, it would spill over into my eating habits too. I imagined it would only be a few weeks before I was eating only foods straight from the ground- created purely by mother earth. Not long thereafter, I would turn into the Princess I always dreamed I could be: 10 pounds lighter, 10 years younger and 10 times wealthier. Being impeccable with my word- my own Garden of Eden.

Could it maybe just possibly be, that my expectations are too high? I think I have to seriously consider that. Perhaps I've turned to chocolate because it gives me the temporary sense of bliss I have been counting on from this little experiment. Maybe it's time to drop the fairy tale. But I can't! Really it's the fairy tale that is keeping me going. Not the dream of castles and unicorns, but of a magical life surrounded by beauty. I know that my life is a magical life surrounded by beauty, but I'm still adjusting my focus. This word-thing is helping with all of that.

I'm sticking to the fairy tale. I guess that means I'll just have to endure the extra pounds for now. I'm holding out that what I gain from this whole thing, in the end, will be much greater than just weight.