How Your Thoughts Affect Your Words

Recently I experienced my feelings getting hurt by a loved one. It's amazing how much my mind wanted to keep re-experiencing the conversation-- turning it over and over again. It's as if there were a part of me that enjoyed inflicting emotional pain on myself. In doing my best to be impeccable with my word and not gossiping, I need to remember this is all a mental game. We speak what we think. If there is poison in our thoughts, there is poison in our words. There's a reason for the saying "get your mind off of it". When I get my mind off the negative, I can go on and live and be happy.

I dealt with my situation by speaking my truth and now as I write this I am letting it go. Why would I choose to focus on the one negative conversation that I had with this person when so many, if not all, of my other interactions have been purely positive and wonderful? By retelling the story and staying on the negative, I reinforce bad feelings for the relationship and that just makes me feel bad. I think there is great wisdom in cutting people some slack, not blowing things up too much by talking about it and getting on to more fruitful mental ground.

Peace everyone.

What the Real Housewives Have Taught Me About Gossiping

Last weekend I got sucked into an episode of the Real Housewives of New York. In a nutshell it's a show that highlights the gossiping and tantrum-throwing behavior of female homo sapiens. It's so very ridiculous. So much so that I could not turn it off. As I continue on my journey to stop gossiping and be impeccable with my word, I had to explore the question, why am I attracted to seeing women at their worst? Here is what I came up with:

First, I think watching the lengths people will go to for an elongated camera moment is fascinating and something I can relate to. I was a class clown at my high school and while some of that means I like to have fun, another part of it is that I needed to be the center of attention-- a lot. So I guess getting kicked out of class and showing up to dances in roller skates was a way to be funny but also a way to get attention. So I am intrigued in watching others who totally throw decorum out the window in an effort to draw attention to themselves. At the heart of it though is some sadness. Needing approval in the way of attention is a disease I have suffered from and still struggle with on occasion. Maybe watching these women is a way for me to see how I've grown over the years. I do relate to them and I guess in a way, feel sad for them (because I know that sadness)...

Second, I'm also interested in seeing women my own age and the paths they've chosen. What is it like to be a Manhattan socialite? Also, I love to see these 40-somethings struggling with the vanity issue, as I do. Beauty is fading for us all and I like to see how they are dealing with it (mostly with surgery). I think my shallowness loves the company of their shallowness.

Third, I think I am enjoying watching people engage in a behavior that I am trying to change in myself. On some level maybe it is cathartic to watch them gossip and speak their minds. Ultimately though, I think for me it has had the effect of reinforcing my goal to watch what comes out of my mouth. Maybe this goes with the vanity point above, but gossiping and continually playing from the "small self" is really unattractive. Having played in that sandbox for a long time, I know that it always leads to bad feelings about myself. So watching it on television is as powerful as it was to look at the lungs of a smoker in science class to keep me from smoking.

I'm reading "The Happiness Project" right now and she mentioned one of her commandments is to "act the way you want to feel". I just loved that. I hate the way I feel when I engage my lower self. I love the way I feel when I acknowledge that I want to go there, but I refrain. It really, for me, holds my self-esteem in place.

Old Friends and Habits

This past weekend I visited an old friend of mine from graduate school. She and I had a great time and clicked right back in as we always have. Part of that was getting caught up on everyone else's life. That's what she and I have always done. It's not viscious or mean, it's just what we do. No matter how I rationalize it though- it's still gossip.

Since I have been on this path, which is just over a month now, I am beginning to realize how my interactions with certain people can keep me stuck in old patterns. It takes great consciousness and present mind awareness to remember a different way of being with someone you've already established a routine with. Maybe that is why it is so difficult for some people to be around their family: we like to think we've evolved into a newer, better version of ourself, but the presence of those old relationships is like an undertow, sucking us back into our old irritating routines.

Progress on my path is slipping. I need to re-ignite my spirit and my passion for this. The blog helps and as you can see, I've been a little lax in that department. My life has gotten too caught up in work and doing. I need to get back to connecting to my spirit-- meditating daily and remembering the real me under all of the thoughts and opinions that are running my life. Maybe I need to start a support group...

Things I'm willing to try:
1) Putting together a support group.
2) Telling my friends about my experiment and the promise I made to myself and asking them to help me.

Word Slaying the Jerks

Here's the toughest one for me: dealing with jerks. Jerks warrant a good tongue lashing behind their backs, right? I mean, most jerks catch you by surprise in their jerkiness. You're not expecting a thing and then- WHAM-- out of the far left cubicle flies an insult. When this sort of thing has happened to me, I feel vulnerable and hurt. I feel wronged. So wronged, in fact, that I place myself in that special category of people called Victims.

Since I have been looking at what makes me speak unkindly about others I see that it is usually when I feel that I have been victimized by someone. When I go into victim mode I am wanting others to acknowledge that I've been screwed over, but more than that, I am really trying to get even. If I tell everyone what a jerk this guy is, then no one will like him and that will make it all better. In this way, I have used my word as a weapon and "stabbed him in the back".

By thinking of myself as a victim, I feel justified in bringing someone down and have magically transformed myself from victim to perpetrator. The truth is that when I use my word as a sword it puts me on the same level as the perpretrator. Think of all of the violence that has been inflicted on mankind (wars, murders) because someone thought they'd been wronged and were justified in righting it.

If I change my victim thoughts-- because changing my mouth is really about changing my mind-- by practicing the second and third agreements, I can change my behavior. The second agreement is to not make assumptions. Maybe that person who flung the insult really didn't mean it the way I interpreted it. If they did, the third agreement tells me not to take it personally. Lastly, it is also about standing up for myself in the moment. If I am courageous and speak my truth in the moment, I won't go away with my tail between my legs feeling wounded and bruised and seeking revenge.

The road to inner peace is to avoid the victim mode all together, including labeling people as jerks. Viktor Frankl didn't feel like a victim after all he endured in the concentration camps. What a great example of avoiding victim thinking and finding real peace.

Leopard Spots

I distinctively remember a conversation with my dad when I was about nine. "People can change..." he said, "but most of them don't". I felt so deflated after hearing that. I didn't want to believe it, but after today, I do.

I was tested today...and I failed. I was approached by a fellow gossiper. I had been approached by this person once before-- early in my commitment-- and I stayed true. Today was a different tale. I felt like Eve in the Garden. A tempting topic was presented. I resisted. Then a delicious comment was dangled in front of me followed by a tasty piece of news. It was just too much for me to resist. I ate the apple.

Remember how great Day One was? Day One was impeccability. Only good words came out of my mouth. I was a Puritan on that day. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been cutting corners. "Negativity is okay, just as long as you don't gossip" I thought. "It's okay to gossip with your husband-- I mean if you can't talk to your husband..." These were my thoughts. I moved from being a Puritan to being a Devotee. I could live with being a Devotee. I considered it the middle way. It acknowledged my humanity and presented sort of a balance. Little did I know that making these little compromises was my version of a gateway drug. Today I crossed the line and imbibed in my drug of choice. Forget Devotee, I'm back to Heathen status.

I know, I shouldn't beat myself up over this and I really am not. I am just experiencing feelings of dissapointment and self-betrayal. Okay, so I guess I am beating myself up. But ultimately, I just really want to know, am I capable of change?

Hot Topics and Hot Pockets

Hot Topics do to my mouth what Hot Pockets do to Jim Gaffigan's digestive tract. Hot Topics are topics that create such an emotional response for me that it is nearly impossible to not run at the mouth...in high volume. I'm trying to bring more consciousness as to what my Hot Topics are because if I know what they are then I can brace myself to be super present when they come up. Some Hot Topics for me: rude/mean people (that is, my interpretation of rude/mean people), politics, and recent emotional wounds.

As I try to understand my own Hot Topics, enjoy this video from Jim Gaffigan on Hot Pockets.

Jim Gaffigan - Beyond the Pale - Hot Pockets @ Yahoo! Video

Gossip Diet- Not Recommended for Weight Loss

I know I've beat the diet analogy to a bone, but this gossip fast is making me fat! I'm totally serious here-- I cannot stop eating chocolate. Could it be that my old ways of talking were actually somewhat medicinal and cathartic-- maybe even fun? Is letting go of expressing every little impulse driving me into a new addiction of sweet tasting endorphins? Or maybe this experience is making me feel like I have to stuff my words down- literally-with every carbohydrate in my cupboard.

When I started this whole thing a couple weeks ago, I envisioned my mouth as having a religious experience, almost like being born again. No longer would it be a cauldron of bad juju. Instead as I went through the day speaking only truth and love I would begin to transform, growing more and more beautiful with each passing sentence. As I cleansed my tongue of all this negativity, it would spill over into my eating habits too. I imagined it would only be a few weeks before I was eating only foods straight from the ground- created purely by mother earth. Not long thereafter, I would turn into the Princess I always dreamed I could be: 10 pounds lighter, 10 years younger and 10 times wealthier. Being impeccable with my word- my own Garden of Eden.

Could it maybe just possibly be, that my expectations are too high? I think I have to seriously consider that. Perhaps I've turned to chocolate because it gives me the temporary sense of bliss I have been counting on from this little experiment. Maybe it's time to drop the fairy tale. But I can't! Really it's the fairy tale that is keeping me going. Not the dream of castles and unicorns, but of a magical life surrounded by beauty. I know that my life is a magical life surrounded by beauty, but I'm still adjusting my focus. This word-thing is helping with all of that.

I'm sticking to the fairy tale. I guess that means I'll just have to endure the extra pounds for now. I'm holding out that what I gain from this whole thing, in the end, will be much greater than just weight.

Gossip Work Arounds

As I continue to work on stopping gossip, I am finding that my mind can be quite clever. It has discovered ways to cheat on my "gossip diet". (I know, it isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle). For instance, I tell a story about someone, but don't reveal their name. This way I feel like I am being noble in protecting their identity. Or I'll express how I am feeling about someone in the name of speaking my truth, but what I am sharing isn't really productive, necessary or kind. Technically, I am not gossiping. But if I am to move toward my goal of being IMPECCABLE (that is, using the word only in the direction of truth and love) then these work-arounds won't fly with my goal.

No doubt, ending the gossip is the big first step to being impeccable with my word. I really have improved on this tremendously. I still question the gray area - what is truthful and what is using the word as a sword? For instance, what about venting? It's supposed to be healthy, but how often do I say I'm venting as an excuse to release my frustration with someone and pollute someone else in the process? These are not easy questions to answer. Maybe someone out there has some insight. I guess it comes down to intent and also, doing my best. I'm not going to be a zealot, but I'm also not giving up.

Communication Transformation

It's only been a week. Is my life starting to shift? A little. One noticeable change is that I am being more courageous in my communication with others. Since I am not able to pout, play the victim or complain about my interactions after the fact, I am forced to speak my truth and lay it on the line directly with people. It has been incredibly empowering. Is the fact that I am treating others with more respect translating to treating myself with more respect too? It has to be.

On another topic, maybe related to this and maybe not, I have had four people contact me with regard to job opportunities this week! Four! When the 4th one came in today over email, I literally wanted to cry. I felt like the Universe is really listening to me. For YEARS I have been dissatisfied with this part of my life. It is the biggest open sore of my existence. I'm not saying that this word impeccability experiment is the reason for an unusual number of job invitations coming my way, but I can't deny something is shifting. And it's big. Stay tuned.

Anyone else out there playing with this and having similar experiences?

Husbands, Partying and Gossip

This weekend was challenging for a couple of reasons: first, my husband came home after two weeks of being on the road. You gotta understand—I have some pretty deeply imbedded communication patterns with him. I’m used to verbally indulging my bad mind whenever the mood strikes. But this weekend for most of our conversations- the sober ones at least- I was able to be pretty impeccable. Even when he asked me some provocative questions, I stayed true to my promise. I have to say, he was quite impressed and I did pass my first challenge!

Then came challenge number two: Partying.

They say alcohol is truth serum, so it’s to be expected that I would get a little looser with my tongue and return to my catty ways while under the influence. Over the course of the evening, a couple slip-ups occurred. Each time after it was already out, I threw both of my hands over my mouth and said, “Oh no, I wasn’t impeccable with my word!” Before I beat myself up too much, for every blunder there were at least a few times where I was able to stop myself. I realize that this challenge was a bit too advanced for me. I got a lot more work to do before walking into the drunken cobra’s den again.

Though I messed up a couple times, I think being able to reel myself in while sporting a decent buzz is a very good sign that this new way of thinking is starting to penetrate my subconscious. That’s where I want to take this thing- where it is so ingrained in my mind that it becomes my natural state of being.

My husband woke me up yesterday morning and said "Honey, I was being impeccable with my word in my dreams." I think he has me beat.

This is Hard-Sort Of

My first day being impeccable with my word:
I was excited and scared at the same time. I felt like I do when I am starting a new diet. I get so motivated about losing 10-pounds, but after four days, my stomach trumps my zeal. I don't want this to die a similar fate. I need this to stick.

So knowing this about myself and knowing what was in store for me for my day, I decided to get serious. I armed myself. I meditated first thing in the morning to quiet my mind. I wore turquoise (good for the throat chakra). I stuck a notebook in my purse so if I absolutely needed to vent, I could write it down. I hopped in my car and thought about my mouth-promise on the drive into work.

The result: I didn't gossip yesterday—and… it was really hard. There were so many opportunities to jump in with a sarcastic remark or an eye roll, but I didn't. When tempted, I did my best to quickly redirect my thoughts. I'm realizing that gossiping is not the source of the problem- it is the end result of a bigger problem: thinking negatively/critically about others. Seriously- this is HUGE. Railing on others is a thinking problem which leads to gossiping- a talking problem. Thinking precedes talking.

Was I totally impeccable with my word? Did I only use my word in the direction of truth and love? Well…I can't say that. I had a couple moments when I started heading down the wrong road, but I caught myself. For me this is great progress and a strong start. I’m really good at day one.

Let’s see how I do after a couple of glasses of wine this weekend.

Blog Cure?

It's an issue I have struggled with my whole life: my mouth. As early as the 6th grade the words "No Gossiping" were displayed in large black letters on the cork board on my bedroom wall.

Well, now I'm in my 40's and I am still dealing with this issue. I've read a lot on the topic (the Four Agreements, Buddhist literature on Right Speech) and tried all kinds of remedies (going on silent meditation retreats, meditating, practicing mindfulness, etc.) but I persist in spewing crap out of my mouth when I'm angry, irritated, or just plain bored.

I really do believe Don Miguel Luis, author of the Four Agreements, when he says that by being impeccable with our word- that is, using the word in the direction of truth and love- we can change our life. Could it be that this orangutan on my back could be the single reason I am not fully happy? I want to experiment with this, but I just find it so difficult. I'm an external processor and I'm Irish/Italian (and my Mercury is in Leo)-- so I feel it is a genetic impossibility for me to not run at the mouth when I feel offended. Still, I feel like if I could do this ONE thing-- it might make all the difference in my little world. I have felt this for years. I am tired of thinking about it, I want to do something about it. I want to use my words in the direction of truth and love.

I watched "Julie and Julia" a couple of nights ago and got inspired by the power of blogging. Could blogging about this help? Maybe it would hold me accountable. Though I am afraid of trying and failing AGAIN, I want nothing more.

I'm going to blog on this as often as I can in an effort to reach my goal of word impeccability! I'm going to share what I can about my life and the challenges with my mouth while also trying to protect those around me-- I can't be impeccable with my word AND tell the world my ugly stories--though my mouth would love that!

So why today? Because this morning I really lost it. I'm in a very challenging situation right now at work. I have felt betrayed and wronged-- a great reason to rip on others behind their back, right? So I sprayed word poison on two innocent co-workers and it left a sticky film on me and I'm sure on them. This situation at work challenges me to my core, but it is providing me with a great chance to practice letting go and refrain from verbally contaminating myself and others going forward. It really is the blessing calling me to change. (And all of it is a wonderful lesson in self-forgiveness and embracing my humanity).

Here goes World! My mouth-- an instrument of Truth and Love! Angels Come Hither!