This past weekend I visited an old friend of mine from graduate school. She and I had a great time and clicked right back in as we always have. Part of that was getting caught up on everyone else's life. That's what she and I have always done. It's not viscious or mean, it's just what we do. No matter how I rationalize it though- it's still gossip.
Since I have been on this path, which is just over a month now, I am beginning to realize how my interactions with certain people can keep me stuck in old patterns. It takes great consciousness and present mind awareness to remember a different way of being with someone you've already established a routine with. Maybe that is why it is so difficult for some people to be around their family: we like to think we've evolved into a newer, better version of ourself, but the presence of those old relationships is like an undertow, sucking us back into our old irritating routines.
Progress on my path is slipping. I need to re-ignite my spirit and my passion for this. The blog helps and as you can see, I've been a little lax in that department. My life has gotten too caught up in work and doing. I need to get back to connecting to my spirit-- meditating daily and remembering the real me under all of the thoughts and opinions that are running my life. Maybe I need to start a support group...
Things I'm willing to try:
1) Putting together a support group.
2) Telling my friends about my experiment and the promise I made to myself and asking them to help me.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Word Slaying the Jerks
Here's the toughest one for me: dealing with jerks. Jerks warrant a good tongue lashing behind their backs, right? I mean, most jerks catch you by surprise in their jerkiness. You're not expecting a thing and then- WHAM-- out of the far left cubicle flies an insult. When this sort of thing has happened to me, I feel vulnerable and hurt. I feel wronged. So wronged, in fact, that I place myself in that special category of people called Victims.
Since I have been looking at what makes me speak unkindly about others I see that it is usually when I feel that I have been victimized by someone. When I go into victim mode I am wanting others to acknowledge that I've been screwed over, but more than that, I am really trying to get even. If I tell everyone what a jerk this guy is, then no one will like him and that will make it all better. In this way, I have used my word as a weapon and "stabbed him in the back".
By thinking of myself as a victim, I feel justified in bringing someone down and have magically transformed myself from victim to perpetrator. The truth is that when I use my word as a sword it puts me on the same level as the perpretrator. Think of all of the violence that has been inflicted on mankind (wars, murders) because someone thought they'd been wronged and were justified in righting it.
If I change my victim thoughts-- because changing my mouth is really about changing my mind-- by practicing the second and third agreements, I can change my behavior. The second agreement is to not make assumptions. Maybe that person who flung the insult really didn't mean it the way I interpreted it. If they did, the third agreement tells me not to take it personally. Lastly, it is also about standing up for myself in the moment. If I am courageous and speak my truth in the moment, I won't go away with my tail between my legs feeling wounded and bruised and seeking revenge.
The road to inner peace is to avoid the victim mode all together, including labeling people as jerks. Viktor Frankl didn't feel like a victim after all he endured in the concentration camps. What a great example of avoiding victim thinking and finding real peace.
Since I have been looking at what makes me speak unkindly about others I see that it is usually when I feel that I have been victimized by someone. When I go into victim mode I am wanting others to acknowledge that I've been screwed over, but more than that, I am really trying to get even. If I tell everyone what a jerk this guy is, then no one will like him and that will make it all better. In this way, I have used my word as a weapon and "stabbed him in the back".
By thinking of myself as a victim, I feel justified in bringing someone down and have magically transformed myself from victim to perpetrator. The truth is that when I use my word as a sword it puts me on the same level as the perpretrator. Think of all of the violence that has been inflicted on mankind (wars, murders) because someone thought they'd been wronged and were justified in righting it.
If I change my victim thoughts-- because changing my mouth is really about changing my mind-- by practicing the second and third agreements, I can change my behavior. The second agreement is to not make assumptions. Maybe that person who flung the insult really didn't mean it the way I interpreted it. If they did, the third agreement tells me not to take it personally. Lastly, it is also about standing up for myself in the moment. If I am courageous and speak my truth in the moment, I won't go away with my tail between my legs feeling wounded and bruised and seeking revenge.
The road to inner peace is to avoid the victim mode all together, including labeling people as jerks. Viktor Frankl didn't feel like a victim after all he endured in the concentration camps. What a great example of avoiding victim thinking and finding real peace.
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